Okay, so The Matrix has been Reloaded… Reloaded with crap!

Dear god, what an utter waste. I’m not really sure where to begin. Maybe the point that if you’re going to make a movie predicated on incredible special effects, you better have incredible special effects? Or more accurately, special effects that I didn’t see plenty of in the first movie? Whenever one of the combatants did some slow-motion spin-kick, I could only think of the stick-man fighting Flash movie circulating a couple years ago. And that was more entertaining. Another point about the fight scenes, and it’s not that everyone looked so damned bored participating in them (though I suppose I just made that point), but why didn’t Neo just KILL the other guys who were causing him such irritation? “Here comes a bad guy, and all I have to defend myself IS A BIG FUCKING SWORD. I better just hit him with the hilt so he falls down, but can get back up and come at me again.” What the fuck. And what’s with the martial arts? Big honking guns worked wonders the last time through.

But I was thankful for the action sequences, gratuitous though they may have been, because it STOPPED THEM FROM TALKING. I don’t think there was more than a dozen bits of dialogue in the whole film. Everyone spoke in horribly melodramatic monologues. Laurence Fishburne should win an Oscar for being able to deliver that dreck and keep a straight face. I was truly and seriously bored for far more of the film than I ever thought possible. I won’t even start on Keanu Reeves’ performance. After all, he’s Keanu. Not much else needs to be said. I will refrain from discussing the rave/sex scenes – enough virtual ink has been spilled on the uselessness of those scenes already.

Oh, and you know how everyone says, “stay through the credits!” because there’s a sneak preview of Revolutions there? It’s not worth it. Every scene looks like it could be an outtake from Reloaded, and you have to sit through quite possibly the most annoying end credit music ever conceived. First you get a feccid hunk of shit by Linkin Park, and THEN an even more awful Oakenfold remix of the Dave Matthews Band. Ever wonder how bad Dave Matthews could sound over an absurd electronic/hard rock backing? Now you know.

But credit goes to the freeway sequence, which was pretty impressive, and the Neo vs 100 Smiths though if they’re going to do a slow-motion shot, they should really choose a sequence where Neo isn’t so obviously CGI.

So yeah, a more polarizing film you probably won’t find this year. There’s those who see layers and layers of social commentary, religion and philosophy in ever nuanced shot of the Warchowski brothers’ magnum opus. They will pick apart the hidden meanings and subtexts of these films for years to come. They are the chocolate to the peanut butter of those who see it as a landmark in special effects, CGI and martial arts coreography. These are the people who will be camping out in front of theatres in November so they can be the first to bask in the glory of Revolutions. And then there’s those who just thought it stank the joint up. But that said, I will see the last one, the same way I will see the last Star Wars even though I didn’t have many kind things to say about that one either. Something about closure. If I have one saving grace, it’s that I did not pay full price for this movie. Though considering I walked out wanting very badly to go see another movie to get the foul taste out of my mouth, that probably would have been more expensive in the long run.

So yeah, The Matrix. Blah.

np – Bedhead / WhatFunLifeWas

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